Traitor Belly Buttons

I am desperate.

I have adopted drastic measures to which I never thought I would resort.

Brace yourselves because...I am a Stork Stalker.

Let me explain.

I can't help it. My belly has overtaken my entire body and I am left a helpless victim under its seizure. Apparently, my Belly is my new boss.

I no longer have control of my vertical balance. At any moment, I could topple forward from the weight of The Bump. I addressed the matter with said belly. Its solution? To push my backside out equally as far as my belly to create better equilibrium. I now have two large bumps--one on the front and one on the back. Thanks.


Swimming is nigh unto impossible--I am but a flotaition device. Don't worry, though...the Belly compensated for this also. It made me so unattractive in a swimsuit that I have no desire to step foot in even the smallest of puddles. Problem solved.


I feared lest my good friend, Belly Button, would disappear forever, but The Belly Boss oh-so-generously assured me I had at least a solid 2 weeks to keep my friend around.

TWO WEEKS?

Belly Boss then informed me It had given Belly Button an all-expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas for a few months.

And Belly Button took it graciously. He said he had been feeling "stretched thin" lately. (Sorry...couldn't resist.)

Belly Buttons are traitors.

I AM NOTHING BUT A NEARLY-BELLY-BUTTONLESS BELLY. A BOSSY,GREEDY, SPACE-HOARDING BELLY WITH HORRIBLE ATTEMPTS AT COMPENSATION AND FAIRNESS TO MY SKELETAL SYSTEM.

This invasion has left me crying out, "Stork, WHERE ARE YOU? HERE, STORKY, STORKY!"

And, you see, that's why I became a Stork Stalker.

I tracked him down in a tropical clime and shot this photo just before he jumped in for a refreshing swim.

I entreated him to come out of retirement and resume his duties as a Baby Bringer. I showed him this photo of himself years ago, in hopes it would persuade him to take pity on pregnant women worldwide.

He enjoyed a nostalgic moment and then politely declined, informing me that inflation was a real drag on his paycheck and his hearing had suffered from years of screaming babies.

When I asked him if I could somehow entice him to just deliver my next kid, he laughed and said, "If your next kid is big like your last kid, I'd suggest UPS Ground." He claims he's "getting up there" in years and his beak muscles aren't really up to it.

So I'm forming a coalition to Bring Back Stork. There's got to be SOME stork SOMEWHERE that is interested in the career for which they were intended, their very calling in life...

I'll find sponsors, I'll give the stork free stuff. I'll transorm my backyard into a Stork Paradise free of rent and HOA fees, for crying out loud!

Would ONE of them just PLEASE STOP THE BELLY INVASIONS!