To: Kauai From: Us—Mahalo Notes

Kauai was such a good hostess, I feel like we should send thank you notes. Here’s what we would say:

*Mahalo frigid 4 a.m. walks to the airport shuttle for giving us a reason to be excited we’re up at 4 a.m.

*Mahalo old lady swimsuit bums for reaffirming the importance of cover-ups.

*Mahalo Love Handles of Skimpy Bikini Wearers for the same reason…

*Mahalo Mountain Goat/Lizard/Turtle Heather for being all-terrain.

*Mahalo, two tiny dates, for providing just the right coverage.

*Mahalo bikinis on unlikely candidates for covering at least that much and making it easy on everyone’s imagination.

*Mahalo tattoos for my newfound appreciation of Crack Stamp art.

*Also, Mahalo tattoos for proving a canvas doesn’t necessarily have to be stretched.

*Mahalo Papalani Gelato for

just being there. In the right place. Conveniently located Next to Pew-ka Dog.

*Mahalo POG gelato for being our daily dose of fruit and island spirit.

*Mahalo Pukey and Belly Button. Just…Mahalo.

*Mahalo Aloha Spirit for being present in the first scent of balmy air.

*Mahalo Captains Quarters for a slim fit.

*Mahalo Green Light of Courtesy for proving that being handicapped can be fun and making the entrance to our hotel room interactive.

*Mahalo torrential, hurricane rains for preventing us from being really sunburned.

*Mahalo Costco—you really do have the best beer. (Hey guys…you know what I love here?)

*Mahalo United Airlines for helping us lose weight at the beginning and end of our vacation.

*Mahalo Lanai for sharing breakfast with us every morning.

*Mahalo Beach Vest for attempting to keep the sun away. But No Mahalo for failing.

*Mahalo legs for not giving out on our jungle adventure.

*Mahalo Mating Whales on the Nepali Coast for sharing your love. Also, Mahalo for the underwater shout-out.

*Mahalo, eel, for swimming away from me rather than toward me.

*Mahalo, little fish of unidentified origin I saw while diving, for being so cute I wanted to smile underwater, but couldn't because I still had to breathe.

*Mahalo Granola Leg for your impressive attempt at “Indigenous jungle woman”.

*Mahalo Funnel Cake for keeping Shea alive.

*Mahalo Talk Story for being the Westernmost bookstore in the United States. And having a cat.

*Mahalo Nerts and Show tunes for providing the evening’s entertainment. Oh, and The Bachelor.

*Mahalo little girl @ Costco for reminding me I’m far from home and that I really am exotic in certain parts of the world.

*Mahalo Cobb Salad for being on every menu.

*Mahalao Andy…all of you.

*Mahalo Merriman’s for being the first, the last…and a lot of in-between.

*Mahalo Stanson for being so darn full of the Aloha spirit.

*Mahalo Maui Guy Salsa…mahalo, mahalo, mahalo.

*Mahalo Neoprene for keeping me warm and humble.

*Mahalo spinner dolphins for showing how great love can be.

*Mahalo Hawaiian drivers for helping us stop and smell the Hibiscus.

*Mahalo speed limit for being just a limit with no minimum.

*Mahalo palm tree for fending off 2.5 inches of the sun’s diameter.

*Mahalo beautiful, friendly tropical fish for making your species seem less disgusting. And making me feel good because I've never eaten one of you.

*Mahalo Highway to Heaven. In our Jeep. With the top off. (Michael Landon, is that you?)

*Mahalo Fire Alarm for your boisterous celebration of Ahi Tuna.

*Mahalo, Gladys, for our John Smith talk. And the view…oh, the view.

*Mahalo, Bernie, for raising the hot tub to a comfortable chin level.

*Mahalo, Jen, for our many one-sided conversations.

*Mahalo “Has diven” for being a perfect past tense just when we needed it.

*Mahalo Hawaiian lady in the hall for not laughing at Christopher when he said Mahalo like a real white “Homeboy”.

*Mahalo Hawaiian bathroom signs for making me question my gender every time.

*Mahalo Vibratory Restriction Zone sign…???

*Mahalo ravenous oceanic shark for taking a holiday from eating divers.

*Mahalo xylophone music in LAX for making us appreciate Hawaiian music after all.

*Mahalo driver’s license for getting me frisked.

*Mahalo option for private screening by airport official.

*Mahalo Molten Lava Hot Tub for helping us realize that second degree sunburns are not the most painful thing.

*Mahalo T.J. for taking up valuable vacation time to point out the absurdity of paying for a vacation. Good luck.

*Mahalo mean Australian guy for denying Heather a comfy shoulder to rest upon and a steady stream of conversation, but No Mahalo for the mean part. Go sit with your wife. Who cares if it’s a window seat? The German guy didn’t care.

*Mahalo Indian couple for not speaking English so you were unable to perform the duties of the Exit row. Heather and Shea really appreciate the extra leg room. But they’re used to it.

*Mahalo, United Airlines, for recognizing the Taylors and treating their bags as such.

*Mahalo Tutus (Grandmas) and grandpas for liking your grandkids enough to spoil them while we were gone and make it so that every time we go to Wal-Mart and pass by the toy section or drive by McDonald’s without stopping, they think they’re getting gypped.

*Mahalo Taylors for yet another fabulous vacation…really, Mahalo….