BEHOLD THE HOTEL KEY: HOLY GRAIL OF THE ANTI-CAMPER

I am suffering from horrifying nightmares as of late. They feature frightening visuals like this:

And this: This:

And, horror of horrors, THIS: I am left but a shell after the emotional drain such formidable prospects create. Give me gnarly monsters or free-falls off cliffs. Give me an aggravated assailant, but Maker of Nightmares, take away the fearful images accosting me!

These nightmares can only mean one thing:

Girls Camp is near. Very, very near.

Ahhh!!

(Where, oh where, is my blasted hotel key?)

The very “C” word is a slur to my ears, an offensive cuss word spoken with utter carelessness.

If any of my dear readers are in the least “campy campy”, I apologize beforehand, but there are some eternal truths associated with…well, you know.

(Again I say, WHERE, OH WHERE, is that blasted hotel key?)

When one WILLFULLY and/or JOYFULLY chooses to embark on an adventure of the “C” word nature, the following are ALL ABSOLUTELY TRUE:

Truth #1: You are mocking the genius that is electricity, indoor plumbing and HVAC. Go ahead, slap Thomas Edison’s face and tell him you still feel good about sleeping in the wilderness.

Truth #2: You obviously don't read the Bear Community Newsletter. If you haven't already, it's time to sign up for their mailing list. Last month’s newsletter discussed the various pros and cons of eating chubby versus skinny humans. Too gruesome for you? Yeah, well, you should have read their April newsletter which featured favorite recipes from prominent people-eaters around the forest.

Truth #3: You are endorsing bad hygiene. Outwardly showcasing the joys of non-teeth brushing, non-showering, non-deodorant wearing, dirt-rolling behaviors. You are sorely afflicted with a psychosis of the worst kind.

Truth #4: You are voluntarily offering yourself as a buffet for the mosquitoes, thus ensuring their survival for another season.

Truth #5: You are openly acknowledging that you enjoy strange bumps and rashes on unmentionable parts of your body. And that you prefer not knowing where they came from.

Truth #6: You prefer the smell of dirty canvas dirt-infested flannel to fresh sheets.

Truth #7: You think dirt underneath your fingernails must surely be a sign of ruggedness.

Truth #8: The grittiness of dirt in your teeth makes you feel alive.

Truth #9: You are hospitable toward campfires and enjoy offering your hair and skin as a nest for the nauseating smells emitting therefrom.

Truth #10: You find packing up your entire house in backpacks and duffel bags, loading it in a large truck or trailer, wrestling with a tent, searching for and hauling wood and water, cooking dusty food on a single burner stove that reeks of propane, using a hole as a bathroom (consequently providing entertainment for woodland creatures) and sleeping in a drafty, smelly, drippy canvas house, relaxing and invigorating. And then you especially like the part where you come home, drop the dirty backpacks and duffel bags on your nice, clean floor, unload your entire house, put it back in its proper place, wash all the laundry, scrub in the shower for an hour to get the dirt out of creases and comb foliage and mud balls out of your hair. Oh, and then vacuum and Febreeze your car. Yeah....THAT is fun.

In addition to my hotel key, does anyone know where I might find the Fast Forward button that makes it Friday afternoon, meaning Post Girls Camp, Post-Wilderness Experience, Post-Warm, Cleansing Shower and Hearty Welcome Back to Civilization?

If not, dirt, grime and grease, here comes the Anti-Camper...